“to all the Orgs I’ve loved before”
By Ico Urbano
To: My old, much more trigger-happy, BS Org self,
Hello! How are you doing? This is you, approximately five years into the future.
As of the moment, you are probably browsing through Facebook, looking for any possible opportunity that may come your way. You are heartbroken, you are lost, you do not know what to do with such a heavy heart and soul that is yearning for anything other than pain and restlessness. More than anything, you feel scared.
You are scared of being as lost as you are now until the end of time. I’m not going to lie, those are pretty dark thoughts for a 15-year old. But it's still real. You feel it itching in every crevice of your adolescent body.
You feel that you are broken beyond repair, but you are not, I can promise you that much. You will find joy in other things that will make you want to keep persevering. I know that it feels like you have lost the love of your life, but you haven’t. You are on your way to find love in places you never thought that you would find it in. You will find it in the people you meet, the places you will go to, the meaningful work that you will be doing. You know this, but you do not know how to go about it.
With your heart on your sleeve, you begin to look for anything that will spark joy. That’s how you found them.
Org # 1 - My First Love (How I fell into the BS Org Rabbithole)
It was probably a few months before I turned 16 when I first found them. I’ve always known that they existed, I’ve always wanted to give it a try, but something was always in the back of my mind, telling me that I couldn’t do it. With nothing holding me back at this point, I decided to give it a shot, and thankfully I got in. I didn’t feel particularly drawn to the work that I was doing, but I found it fulfilling. There was something about staying at school late, attending to different preparations that needed to be done for the next day.
Not to mention, I found myself being more open to people that I never thought I would be talking with. I vividly remember being able to count on one hand, the number of people that I talked to in a day, but now I couldn’t keep up with it. I didn’t have enough fingers to recount all of the conversations that I was having. Short of saying, it felt like a fever dream. I felt as if I’ve found my niche. As cliche as it sounds, it felt as if I’ve found my family.
But as all dreams go, they eventually end. It was time to move on to greater things.
Org # 2 - Finding my purpose
At this point, I’ve been involved in a couple of organizations, but I’ve always felt as if I could be doing more. So, I did. I joined the church youth group in our barangay. It was scary at first because I’ve never had friends other than in school. But, as it turns out, it would be much more than another organization that I joined on a whim. This is where I would have an opportunity to fall in love with my community. This is where I would fall in love with service. It will be challenging, to say the least. I would go on to have some of your biggest worries as an active member in this organization, but I found meaning in everything that I did.
Org # 3 - Toxic org cultures
That rush you get when you join an organization will become insatiable. It will get to a point where the mere prospect of being able to join any organization, regardless of their advocacy and culture, will be enticing.
You’ve heard the stories about this org, they pride themselves on an “org process” that aims to break down an applicant as much as they can, so that they can see how you are “under pressure”. But you pay no mind to the stories, you have heard of the prestige that comes with being a member of this organization, so you decide to do it. Once you’re subject to the process, you believe their lies, you embrace “the process”. When you get in, you feel an insane ego boost and relief that is similar to that of a convict that has just survived solitary confinement.
And then you take a step back, and you realize what you have just gone through. You were verbally abused. You saw teenagers crying just because they were trying to prove their mettle to a group of teenagers and adults alike who have been indoctrinated into believing that breaking down someone mentally is okay, as long as it is for the organization, as long as it is for the advocacy.
When you start doing work for them, you realize that this culture goes far beyond the application process. This organization, which has been touted so long as a breeding ground for leaders, is sustained by fear and intimidation. You hope to make a change in your limited time, but your voice is drowned out by the countless others who have convinced themselves that what they went through is perfectly reasonable. Only years later will you know that such a phenomenon is so widespread that it has received a name, “kupal culture”, as it is known by many.
Org # 4 - Being in touch with your advocacies and purpose
Fast forward to the present, I am still, as they would say, a “BS Org” person. But I’d like to think that I’ve learned to be more discerning and purposeful in the things I choose to affiliate myself with. I’ve only chosen to stay in orgs that I know is integral to who I am as a person and as an activist. Every deliverable I do, every person I meet, every project we conduct, is in line with what I want the world to look like when it is all said and done.
Regardless of the reason as to why you join orgs, I’d like to believe that the principal motivation is the same for all of us: a deep discontent with something in the status quo- and subsequently, a step towards a change which you envision.
Yet we should be wary of those who take advantage of this principal motivation innate in all of us. There will be those who will break you down, there will be those who will make you feel as if your work is all that defines you (sometimes, that someone may even be yourself!) Yet we should all remember that we are all human. We are not machines that are to function day and night without rest and motivation.
To all the orgs I’ve loved before, you are the reason why I am still persevering, you are the reason as to why I find joy in all that I do, but that does not give you an excuse to subject me to conditions that go beyond the good intent of organizations: volunteerism, and holistic development.
I know that there are many like me. There are other young people hoping to find their identity amidst the various organizations that are now easily accessible. I only have one wish for all of you:
May your voices and actions amplify that which you are fighting for, and may your paths not cross with those who aim to take advantage of your good will.
Lovingly,
Your future self.
Were you moved by Ico’s story on how organizations helped him grow? Check out our webinar entitled What am I here for? Building a Growth Mindset at Work to learn more about finding the places that will help you thrive.
